Ask The Guitar Solo From “Floods” by Pantera

mgid_ao_image_mtv_429164

Got a question? A concern? A dilemma? The guitar solo from Pantera’s 1996 hit “Floods” (as performed by “Dimebag” Darrell Abbot (R.I.P)) has your back, son!

Dear Guitar Solo From “Floods” By Pantera: 

I have a wonderful granddaughter, “Nora”, whom I love to pieces.  Nora is a trans woman who came out to the family at large at age fourteen or so (though to be honest, we suspected much earlier).  She is set to graduate from high school in the spring, and my husband and I are tasked with helping with the decorations, including a photo collage.  I have several cherished photographs in my home of Nora at an early age, when she was still presenting as a boy.  I don’t want to seem insensitive, but I really want to include these pictures.  I have such happy memories associated with them and I think they’d be perfect for a retrospective over Nora’s life.  Her parents think it would be best not to include them.  I’d ask her, but I meant this to be a surprise.  I really have no frame of reference for this problem.  You get so many strange new challenges these days!  What do you think we should do?

-Supportive in St. George

Dear Supportive in St. George:

bloo-dum DAH dum DAYEEEE-OWwWwWwWwWwW…DAHleeahdah DOW

bloo-dum DAH dum DAYEEEE-DEeEeEeEeEeE…dayeow dah

bloo-dum DAHN dum DOWEEE-OwWwWwWwWwW…DOW

BLOO-dah DAHYEEAHDAH daleahdah BWEEowwWWWWWW

Dear Guitar Solo From “Floods” By Pantera:

I recently watched three cats belonging to one of my friends, “Yuki”, who was out of town.  One of the cats, “Prince”, was sixteen years old and suffering from a kidney ailment.  Late one evening, Prince took a turn for the worse.  I Googled an emergency vet and rushed Prince over there in a pet-carrier, where he, sadly, died despite the vet’s best efforts.  Yuki seemed to take it in stride – like I said, Prince was in poor health – until I came to her with the bill, at which point she flew off the handle.  She wouldn’t pay me back, she said I was being “tacky”, and at several points in our conversation, she seemed to insinuate that Prince died because I was negligent in my cat-sitting duties or something like that. I think she’s just processing her grief and casting about for someone to blame.  I get it.  I’m a cat lover too.  Nonetheless, I’m no big earner, and that emergency vet visit set me back quite a lot.  Is it worth my while to try to push the issue, or is this something I should let go?

-Cat Died On Me In Carbondale

Dear Cat Died On Me:

BLOO-dum DAH dum DOO-woo DOWwWwWwW…BWEAAAAAAAA NAH

BLOO-dum DAH dum BLEEooWEEE…dooWEEooWEEooWEEoo wow

BLOO-dum DAH dum DOWee OWwWwWwW… daleeahdah DOW

BLOO-dah DAH-YEE AHdah daleahdah BWEEowwWWWWWWW…

 

Dear Guitar Solo From “Floods” By Pantera:

This isn’t a specific problem so much as a general question of etiquette.  My younger friends and co-workers seem to think that stopping at someone’s house without calling ahead is just about the worst possible breach of courtesy.  They say that since everyone has a cell phone these days, there’s no excuse not to let someone know you’re coming over, otherwise you’re “imposing”. I just don’t see things that way. Yes, you ideally should call first, but I wouldn’t call it “imposing”; there’s nothing stopping anyone from saying “it’s not a good time” if they’re really occupied. Maybe it’s a culture thing. I grew up in a close-knit community where friends didn’t think twice about dropping in if they were in the neighborhood. I think it’s lame that this generation lives like such neurotic schedulebots all the time. These are the same people who never talk on their phones, only text.  If you ask me, this is why everyone’s isolated and the community fabric is unraveling – everyone’s afraid of human contact that isn’t 100% on their terms.  Am I out of line here?  Is this just me being a middle-aged grouch?

-Visitor in Virginia Beach

Dear Visitor:

BOWWOWWW deeDUN deeDUN deeDUN deeDUN deeDUNdeeDUN deedleowDEEdeedleow

DEEOWWW duh duh DWOWWWWWWw deedledahduhdeedledowduhdowdahduhdah

doodleyDEEdleDAHdooDUHdooDEEdleDAHdooDUHdooDEEdleDAHDOO

Dahduhdowduh dahnahdowduh duhnuhnahnuh MWEEyuhOWWWW

 

Dear Guitar Solo To “Floods” By Pantera:

My boyfriend and I parted amicably a few months back.  I have a wedding to go to this summer, for which my now-ex is listed as my plus-one.  Neither of us saw any reason to change the arrangements just because we’re not seeing each other romantically anymore– it would just suck to go by myself, and I know the family would like to see him.  However, he’s recently started dating someone else, and this someone else doesn’t think too highly of our plans.  Ordinarily I’d just say it’s best to avoid that whole drama, but the RSVP is in, the meal’s been ordered, and frankly I think his new sweetie’s being just a bit possessive.  How can we make everybody involved here happy?

Still Friends in Stillwater

Dear Still Friends:

meow nuh MWAaAaAaAaAaAaAa… mow noo NEEnow nuhNEEnow nuhNEEnow nuhNEEnow nuh

mwweeeEEEEEEEEEE… nyeeow bwwwwwwaaaa NEE NOO DEE DOO deeeeeeaaaaah dah

maaaaaaah NEE nah NEE now NEE nah needledowdoodahduhdeedle dah

mwoooOO doodleDOOdledoodleDOOdledooduh dooduh dwuhhhhhhhh nuhhhhh….

 

Dear Guitar Solo From “Floods” By Pantera:

I’ve heard that most of the letters that appear in advice columns are either heavily edited or entirely fabricated.  Do you do this?  How much of your column would you say is authentic?

-Skeptical in Saskatoon

Dear Skeptical:

deeEEeeEEeeEE deeEEeeEEeeEE dEEeeEEeeEEeeEEeeEEeeEEeeEEeeEE

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE REEOWW REEOW REEOW REEeeEEeeEEeeOWow

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s